It’s been over a week now since I miscarried our longed for second baby. A baby brother or sister for Rowan, another son or daughter for us.
I should be nine weeks pregnant tomorrow but our little baby passed away at just over five weeks, it would have happened a few days after we found out and celebrated that positive pregnancy test.
We’re experiencing a range of emotions. At the moment we both feel numb and it’s all a little surreal. Physically for me it’s almost like nothing has happened. My body has more or less gone back to normal and I’m now left with an empty feeling inside as if there’s something missing. I ask myself whether it was my fault, could I have done anything differently?
It’s not the Christmas we had planned, it’s not the end of year that we’d envisioned or what we imagined for the New Year. It’s all a bit crap actually and we’re taking it one day at a time.
We’ve always spoken about having a large family together. Alex is one of four – interesting as we’re now included in the statistic of one in four pregnancies ending in miscarriage. I’m terrified that we may not be able to have the family we’d dreamed about (ever the pessimist!).
Most of our family and friends know what has happened. The range of messages from people has been mixed. To be fair, I wouldn’t know what to say to somebody in the same situation. A few people have messaged me to say that they’ve been through something similar and they’ve given us hope that things will turn out ok.
There was one question that really stuck. We were asked whether we’d keep the miscarriage a secret. Alex responded with a very polite ‘No’. But, why on earth would we keep our loss a secret?! We’re not ashamed of what’s happened. Our baby deserves to be spoken about and remembered even though he/she passed away very early on in our pregnancy.
I’m quite an honest person (a little too blunt sometimes) and not much of a talker. I wanted to write about our story and share that with you, it’s helped me to be able to write down what has happened and share our story, although it doesn’t feel like enough. This is definitely a post or a series of posts I’ll be revisiting on a regular basis with time and perspective.
I’m hoping that by sharing our experience that we can break the taboo of not talking about miscarriage and help other people who may have gone through a similar experience by being open.
In our hearts we believe that we’ll meet our baby one day and we both now feel that it is our job to remember our baby and make them proud of us for when that day comes.