This week is Baby Loss Awareness Week and I thought this would be the perfect timing for me to write about pregnancy after miscarriage. We had a miscarriage last Christmas and since then we’ve been on a complete emotional rollercoaster. I’m hoping this post will help others who may have experienced something similar and help support people too. I’m hoping it also helps me in the process to share what we’ve been going through.
Miscarriage and baby loss is still a taboo subject, no one ever talks about it openly (thankfully I’ve found people who will talk about it as they have their own miscarriage stories to share). I think it’s an extremely important topic to talk about as miscarriage is very common with one in four pregnancies ending in miscarriage, this is still a statistic that baffles me.
Since our miscarriage I’ve had some comments said towards me that I feel are unforgivable. One such comment was that I needed to just “get over it” and then you get ignorant comments such as “well you can try again” and “you’ll soon have another baby”. To me that’s not the point, we wanted that baby and we wanted it then, nothing will ever replace what we’ve lost. It also skims over the very physically and mentally traumatic change that your body goes through at the time. I also was frustrated when a few people asked us if we were going to keep it a secret, well you can guess my response to that! Why on earth would we keep it a secret? Would they keep it a secret if a loved one passed away, I think not!
It’s not easy being pregnant after a miscarriage, it’s full of anxiety, worries and you go through a million emotions. We’re really excited about this baby but you can’t be as excited as you want as you always have a doubt in your head that you could lose this baby too. I haven’t enjoyed this pregnancy as much as my pregnancy with Rowan, something I feel incredibly guilty about. I’m not sure I’m ever going to fully relax until our bundle of joys is in our arms.
Even at nearly 19 weeks pregnant, having had a really positive 12 week scan, hearing the babies heartbeat twice and feeling the baby wriggling around I still feel anxious. Each time I go to the toilet I’m constantly checking to see if there’s blood when I wipe, I have a sense of jubilation when I don’t see any. Every little cramp or niggle that you get you automatically think that there’s something wrong with the baby, when actually it’s just your body adjusting to the growing baby inside you.
I have days when I cry because I miss the baby that we don’t have (who would be nearly three months old), I just want to be able to hold him/her in my arms and give them a cuddle and tell them I love them and that everything is ok. I’m scared that they’re alone and I hope they’re happy wherever they are. We believe we’ll see them again in another life and we think of our baby as the brightest star that we can see at night.
I’m also feeling absolute terrified about going into labour, the last time I felt labour like pains was after a miscarriage. I was not expecting to feel like I was in full on labour, I spent a good eight hours having regular contractions curled up in a ball on the floor as it was so painful.
We’re incredibly lucky that we have a baby on the way and I’m trying to remain positive but some days it’s really difficult and you want to hide away from the world. I’m so grateful that Rowan is here to keep us entertained and a baby on the way that I need to get ready for that keeps giving me little kicks of reassurance, usually when Rowan is sat on my knee – they are fighting already!
Another thing I’ve struggled with is how much to share about our current pregnancy. After we’d had our miscarriage it felt like all I saw on social media were pregnancy and birth announcements, bump pictures, pregnancy updates and newborn baby wishlists, basically everything I didn’t want to see. I was green with envy and I unfollowed a lot of people because I just didn’t want to know, it’s not that I wasn’t happy for them, it was something that really hurt and I needed to protect myself by hiding away from it a little.
Now I’ve found myself being that person that has announced a pregnancy, have shared weekly pregnancy updates and bump pictures, and I’m not sure whether that’s been the right thing to do? I don’t want to upset anybody but I also don’t want to hide our good news as it’s been a bit of a battle to get to this point. I’m hoping it will provide inspiration to others that have had a miscarriage and are worrying about whether they’ll be able to conceive again.
One of my lovely blogger friends, Lucy from Mrs H’s Favourite Things has written some truly great posts about miscarriage and pregnancy after miscarriage. Please do head over to her blog if you’d like to read more around this subject. Lucy also wrote this fantastic post on pregnancy anxiety for the METRO.
To mark the end of Baby Loss Awareness Week, on Saturday 15th October you can help show your support by joining in the Global Wave of Light. Simply light a candle at 7pm and leave it burning for at least an hour to remember all babies that have died too soon. October 15th is also International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.